Entry: 2

Something I'd like to share with the non-existing group;

I am a fear bitter who has a lot of baggage.

What does that mean?  Well in dog psychology fear biting is when a dog bites you out of fear, it is unpredictable you don't really know when the dog will bite you because usually you don't really know the dogs complete past, or why the dog is really afraid.  The dog will, in their mind, take the scolding but then something triggers them and they bite you.

How this relates to me, I don't actually bite people, (should clarify that one), but I am a pretty passive person, avoiding confrontation/conflicts at all costs.  I allow myself to get pushed around, make excuses for others, then finally when I have had enough and I become assertive.

It is very inconsistent behaviour and I am in the process of practicing being more assertive on a daily basis.  Assertive is something that I always believed I was, but turns out how I see myself and how others see myself are sometimes different.  Also, what I believe to be common sense or crossing the line is sometimes confusing for others because there line is different than my own based on their past experiences.

I have recently realised we as human beings do carry around a lot of excess baggage.  An airport will charge you for that and more importantly they check it thoroughly, make you claim it, and tell you to never leave it unattended. 

In life I stick my extra baggage in a closet where I am not forced to look at it, let alone allow others to check it over, it's always unattended.  Then when some body does something to me that reminds me of my own baggage (subconsciously), I charge them for it.

Well the first thing is admitting you have a problem right? 

I have decided to make a change in my life.  Not only do I want to claim my ugly baggage, I want to go through it and see if it is really necessary for me to be bringing all this baggage around.  How does one get rid of their baggage? 

Entry: 1

Today is my first day using a blog.  This is so weird for me because I truly am using this blog for journal-ing purposes.  Therapeutic reasonings.  Turns out I have been suppressing a lot since I was child.  My counsellor has given me an assignment to write for 20 minutes a day.  So I here I go ...

My parents separated when I was two, and divorced when I was eight.  I have told myself I never really cared because I never really saw my parents together and that I was lucky that their separation happened so early on in my own life.

Truthfully, I did not even understand that my parents were ever married They hated each other so much, still do to this day, from that impression I always thought of myself as an accident, I never really was meant to be.  As much as I knew they both loved me, and wanted to do what was best for me, as human beings they carelessly spoke ill-ly about each other, to me or in front of me.  It affected me and still affects me in ways they can never really understand, in ways I sometimes have a difficult time understanding myself.

I could go on and I will go on, but later because this gets deeper, deeper than I am willing to dive right now. 

Until next time...